cont. from

Lessons Learned From the Recovery of Children With DID

My understanding and beliefs about the importance of recovery from trauma and DID has been influenced by my knowledge about treatment of children with DID. I found it quite interesting that children with DID recover quickly (optimum length of treatment 12-24 months) once placed in safe environments, provided appropriate treatment, and given good parenting. Given other options, children seem to be able to let go of personalities/dissociation and continue with normal development.

Children when provided the opportunity naturally move towards healing and integration. The treatment goal when working with children is always the return to normal awareness and normal development. Knowing about treatment for children with DID reinforced my belief that full recovery is natural. When working with children the idea of "going together" is addressed from the very first session. There is no debate about remaining dissociative. Integration is discussed and treated as a natural event. When it is handled this way children spontaneously move toward full recovery.

Phases of Integration

Integration is a process. It is not a single event. It occurs throughout the therapy. In this section and the one that follows, the process is described in several ways. First, the phases of integration are explored, two examples of integration are given, my concerns about integration are discussed, how I learned to give up dissociation is described, and core aspects of my final integration are shared. In the next section, experiences after my final integration are presented. This includes the joy of a new life as an integrated person, dealing with a serious illness, and changes after my integration.

I went through many phases as I integrated the personalities (thoughts, feelings, experiences, and memories). My first integration in 1987 was an exhilarating experience. It was also quite interesting. I lost my voice. It was as if I didn't know what voice to use without the dissociated parts speaking. With that integration I gained freedom from PTSD, flashbacks, and inconsistent adult functioning. I began to have more normal relationships with my family and friends. I had hope for a full recovery from the trauma.

All of this changed when external traumatic events overwhelmed me and the integrated personalities became separate again. I was devastated. I had had a taste of freedom and peace and I couldn't hold on to it. My therapist was reassuring and saw no reason why I couldn't regain the lost ground. I had simply gone back to my familiar defenses in the face of new trauma.

As I continued in therapy I had many experiences of integration followed by disintegration. With the help of my therapist, I learned to view this as a natural process, not a series of failures. I needed practice at being integrated and learning to use new defenses. I stayed determined to achieve stability and freedom through permanent integration.

One of the things I did that helped me access and integrate the personalities was to put together a collection of songs I called my "integration tape." All of the songs, such as "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and "Kentucky Rain," focused on reaching out to lost or distant loved ones. I listened to the tape over and over for years. In my thinking, playing this music told my mind what I expected -- that all parts of myself were to be found, known, accepted, and integrated.

During the course of my therapy the personalities grew and changed. At first I saw them as being fixed in time. As the personalities interacted in therapy and learned more about each other and life, a natural process of change and growth occurred. The personality that was integrated/accepted was different than the raw traumatized personality that first presented in therapy. This transformation made for easier integrations. As I observed/experienced this, I developed the belief that the mind is always working toward healing. I gained confidence in the therapy process

There is a school of therapy called "Re-Decision Therapy." The basic concept is that we (DID and non-DID) make psychological choices as children to adapt to the needs of our family situation. As adults we need to rethink and re-decide about how we want to cope/adapt. I found this concept quite helpful in my healing. I could respect my choice as a child to dissociate and survive in the face of overwhelming and ongoing trauma. But I could, as an adult, choose how I wanted to cope now as I remembered the trauma and faced life as a free adult. I COULD CHOOSE AGAIN.

continue: Different Phases of Integration

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Written 2003. Reviewed: 04/2006