Different Phases of Integrating Personalities in DID

cont. from

Integration of a Personality Fragment

One example of accepting and integrating a dissociated part of myself was my experience with the part of me I called "the cooking girl." She was formed in my childhood to preserve everyday functioning. It was her job to cook and bake. She did not have awareness of the trauma events and was able to do things with enjoyment. I needed her to be separate when I was a child and could not escape the ongoing trauma. As an adult she helped the personality system by providing relief from intense feelings and memories. When she was in the kitchen baking, I felt at ease and did not experience fear, PTSD, or trauma memories.

During my therapy, as I worked on the trauma issues, I realized that I no longer needed to continue my dissociative coping because I was no longer in a trauma/abuse situation. This speaks to the importance of establishing safety as a necessary condition to be free to choose new coping. I respected the historical importance of this part of me but slowly came to realize that keeping a separate/dissociated part was based on the old trauma-based belief that dissociation/personalities was the only safe way to function. I no longer needed to maintain a "not-me" frame.

With my new understanding I was able to accept/integrate the "cooking girl." I accepted all of the thoughts and feelings of this part of me, let go of the protective dissociative barrier that kept "her" separate, and brought her into normal awareness. I was still able to enjoy cooking and I learned to handle the PTSD/memories in new ways. I did not experience this as a death or banishment. I experienced it as full acceptance of her/me.

Integration of a "Dangerous Personality"

I had a personality that protected the child ones by being aggressive and assaultive towards others. She also protected others from having to deal with the memories and the feelings because so much time was spent trying to control her and stay safe. When her role as protector was respected and she was shown more constructive ways to protect the child personalities, she was transformed from an out-of-control, violent, and hurtful personality to a positive helper personality.

When this "dangerous personality" turned constructive helper was integrated, her primary concern was how others would handle the knowledge of the trauma memories and feelings that she held in her awareness. As the other personalities (child ones) got to know her, they wanted the integration, because they did not want her to be alone with the memories any more. The process of integration/acceptance addressed all these issues.

It was not an easy integration. The hardest part was letting go of the innocence contained in the child personalities. No longer did I have an innocent part that did not know of the trauma. I cried for days, not because of the integration, but because I had to let go of the fantasy that there was a part of me that had not been abused.

Integration of Trauma Memories

In many cases integration of certain personalities automatically resulted in the integration of the memories they held. Other memories were recalled in PTSD flashbacks, without a personality frame. The therapy work of processing and healing the memories was done before the integration of these memories. They were not integrated in their raw and intense form. The memories were then integrated as historical realities, which is normal awareness for memories.

My Concerns About Integration

One of the fears I faced before my final integration was that if I integrated I would not be able to deal with new trauma memories. I was afraid that I could not access or process trauma memories without being dissociative. My therapist assured me that I didn't need to remain DID to uncover or process trauma memories. He pointed out that many people with childhood trauma histories access and process trauma memories without personalities. I accepted what my therapist said and continued my goal of integration.

I had other worries about my capacity to integrate. I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to integrate because I had so many personalities. (I had hundreds of personalities and fragments.) At one point I was so dissociated that the idea of integration seemed ludicrous. My therapist assured me that numbers of personalities did not matter.

Another worry I had was that I wouldn't be able to integrate because of my age. I was in my mid-40s and feared I was too adjusted to dissociation to move past it. I was concerned that a lifetime of dissociative coping would be too hard to overcome. I don't believe I ever discussed this fear with my therapist.

My experience points out the importance of therapists' being informed about integration and able to answer questions posed by DID clients. Clients need accurate information. I had read things that were not true about integration. For example, I had read that poly-fragmented DID ritually abused individuals (like myself) could not integrate. Having a well-informed therapist made a difference to my recovery.

continue: Learning to Give Up Dissociation

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Written 2003. Reviewed: 04/2006