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Learning to Give Up Dissociation

Learning to give up dissociation as a coping mechanism was difficult for me. After all, I had been using it to cope since I was three years old. (My final integration took place when I was 46 years old.) In many ways I had become addicted to dissociative coping. It was easy and I was good at it. I used it to cope with trauma and to cope with everyday life stress. It had become automatic.

I knew that to continue using it as an adult when there was no trauma present was to live with a survivalist view of the world. Dissociation was based on the old reality that the world was not safe and there was no escape. This was true for me as a child in an abusive household but no longer true as an adult. I was no longer trapped and I could choose healthy environments, adult coping skills, and nourishing relationships.

I didn't want to have to switch between personalities to have access to all parts of myself. I wanted to have normal awareness and full everyday access to my whole self. Yet letting go of the dissociation that had taken care of me for so long was an emotional process. I cried and I grieved. I was letting go of an old friend so that I could move forward in my life.

I worked with an art therapist and drew pictures of a child letting go of balloons that flew into the sky. I used the twelve-step program to overcome my addiction to dissociation. I had to admit that being dissociative had made my life unmanageable. I worked with my therapist to learn new coping. It was scary to reach out into the unknown but I wanted my whole self back. I didn't want the trauma to continue to define me.

I now understand that this process of giving up coping learned in childhood and learning new adult coping skills is a process that most individuals face in therapy. For the non-DID individual this may mean giving up reliance on anger or reliance on staying busy and taking care of others rather than facing yourself. Learning to choose new coping as an adult is often a primary therapy task for Adult Children of Alcoholics. It is an essential goal for individuals addicted to alcohol and drugs. The addict/alcoholic has to learn to cope without drinking or taking drugs just as the person with DID learn to cope without dissociation. The issues for the person with DID may be more intense and dramatic but the process is similar.

My Final Integration

Before I could achieve a permanent and stable integration I had to make some major changes in my therapy and in my life. I agreed to take psychiatric medication that I had refused for years. I admitted I was an alcoholic/addict and participated in twelve-step recovery. I became willing to try new therapy approaches. I dealt with and gave up the feeling of being special as a person with DID. My therapist used to joke that my treatment goal was to become boring, average, and normal. I agreed as long as he defined normal by California standards (I am from California and a California girl at heart).

My final integration took place over three months in the spring of 1990. I did not participate in any ceremonies or rituals when the personalities merged. I did not experience a sense of the personalities blending into the host personality or into each other. The integration/full acceptance of all parts of myself was based on a series of decisions and shift in therapeutic tasks.

The decision to stop talking about myself in the third person

The first decision was to stop talking in the third person or referring to any thoughts, feelings, or fears as "not me." By this time, I was mostly co-conscious for the personalities. I was maintaining the dissociative buffer out of habit and fear. I verbally made myself claim everything as me. For example, I might be thinking, "she is afraid of living alone." But I said, "It feels uncomfortable to admit this but I am afraid of living alone." The idea and choice to work this way was mine. Somehow I sensed that this linguistic process would move me toward healing and integration. This shift in how I talked was a critical element in my final integration.

Early in this process I sometimes needed to say things like "It doesn't feel like my feelings but I am angry at you." Talking this way meant I had to acknowledge my feelings. This process of claiming my feelings, thoughts, and experiences resulted in a natural process of acceptance/integration. It was difficult at first but with time became easier and easier. It felt freeing to claim my whole self. Eventually referring to myself in the third person felt strange and uncomfortable.

As things shifted inside, I discovered that it was OK and manageable to accept/integrate the thoughts, feelings, experiences, and memories. In a way integration is like learning to swim. I had to get in the water to do it. For me the only way to cope with integration was to integrate.

The decision to directly experience internal conflict

Another decision that I made was to allow myself to directly experience internal conflict. Previously different personalities handled different points of view. It was necessary to negotiate between personalities to handle different preferences and opinions. When I consciously claimed the diverse thoughts as mine I discovered that it was OK to have different thoughts and feelings. I could have different viewpoints and still choose how I wanted to act in the present.

When I was dissociated, I had parts of me that believed in God and went to church. Other parts of me didn't have any connection to God and never went to church. It seemed my attending church and going on spiritual retreats was dependent on which personality was strongest at the time. After I accepted my mixed feelings about God and going to church I was able to choose to regularly attend church while still recognizing and respecting the different feelings.

continue: The Examination of Trauma-Based Beliefs

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Written 2003. Reviewed: 04/2006