Emotional and Physical Responses After Integration of Personalities

cont. from

Dealing with a Serious Illness

One example of new coping after integration occurred when I was diagnosed with cancer in 1995. I was afraid that being physically sick and facing the possibility of dying (old issues for me) might bring back my old ways of coping. I was afraid it might trigger feelings about my body being vulnerable. Since I understood that historically dissociation came to help me when I was scared and overwhelmed, I knew I needed to face my feelings and fears head on.

I talked with my friends openly about my fears and my feelings. I discussed how unfair it felt to again be facing a life-threatening illness. I expressed my fear and anger that I might die and be prevented from enjoying a lifetime of normal living. I talked about my feelings about my body being cut open and the cancer taken out. (This was especially difficult given my background of ritual abuse.) I had to remind myself that having surgery was not abuse. I had to reassure myself that surgery was not a punishment and I had done nothing wrong to deserve having cancer.

Because I was integrated and stable when I had the cancer, I was able to be proactive in my care. When I had my first symptom of possible cancer I immediately sought medical care. Since it was discovered early, the cancer was only at Stage I and had not spread. If the cancer had occurred during the time I was dissociative -- afraid of doctors, shots, surgery, and medical hospitals -- I doubt I would have been able to take care of myself so rapidly. I would have delayed seeking medical care while the inside ones debated about my symptoms and what action to take. I would have had trouble sorting out whether the symptom was physical or psychological.

Since I had already resolved the internal conflict about God, I was able to go to healing services, ask people to pray for me, and pray for myself. This brought me comfort and helped me face the cancer. If I had still been dissociative, I don't think I could have turned to God for comfort. I had a personality that wanted nothing to do with God or spiritual activities. At one time she loudly pronounced to my therapist "If I have to get religious to get well it will never happen."

Because I had faced the abuse done to my body I was able to keep the historical feelings about my body and the trauma experiences in check. I no longer had to reassure child personalities that it was safe and that medical treatment was not abuse or a violation of the body. I no longer had to switch to arrange for adult ones to come out and talk to the doctor. I no longer had to explain to the doctor that I had DID and needed extra time to explain medical procedures to other parts of myself. I did not have to bring a friend with me to my medical appointments. I no longer had to fear that the little ones would be triggered, come out, and be re-traumatized. I had thoughts about past things that were done to my body but they were manageable memories not flashbacks. I was grateful that I was facing the cancer as an integrated whole person.

Getting through the surgery and the recovery without dissociating was quite an achievement for me. When I had DID, I was terrified of all medical procedures. I put off medical and dental care because it triggered and dissociated me. I was once hospitalized for three days in a psychiatric hospital to cope with receiving a tetanus shot.

Even though I had been out of therapy about a year and integrated for five years at the time of my illness, I went back to my DID therapist for short-term therapy (six-eight weeks). I was able to process the meaning of having cancer and the surgery in the context of my life experiences. By acknowledging my trauma-based fears and reprocessing some trauma memories, I was able to prevent a return to dissociation.

Experiencing Physical Pain

Another thing that changed for me after my final integration was my response to physical pain. When I had DID, I was able to dissociate physical pain. I had learned this as a child to cope with physical abuse. When I was dissociative, I had my dental work done without Novocaine and felt no pain. Once I had a window slam down on my fingers -- breaking one and damaging the others. I felt pain for an instant at the moment when the window slammed down but immediately dissociated the pain. During the months of recovery from this accident I felt no pain.

After my final integration I faced a situation where I was injured and experienced physical pain. I had been climbing in an attic to retrieve stored Christmas decorations when I fell through the insulation. I caught myself on the wooden beams so I did not go all the way through the ceiling.

I was bruised and scraped up and it hurt. I remember my surprise at feeling the physical pain. I thought, "so this is what it feels like." I had mixed feelings -- something you get used to after integration -- about my physical pain. I felt sad that I had lost the "magic" of dissociating. Yet I was glad to know I was at last like other people. I was relieved to discover that I could cope with the physical pain.

continue: New Memories

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Written 2003. Reviewed: 04/2006