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New Memories

After my final integration and leaving DID therapy, I did access and process both new trauma and new everyday memories. One trauma memory was triggered by external events. First, I had strong feelings and reactions that did not make sense. Then the memory of the trauma event came into my awareness. It was painful to face but I was able to handle it with non-dissociative coping. It was actually easier to cope with it as an integrated person. I was able to put the memory in context of all my life experiences rather than view it in a narrow dissociated space. I was able to use a variety of coping skills rather than rely on dissociation/personalities.

One thing that surprised me about memories recovered after integration was the recovery of positive memories and positive feelings. I was able to access positive feelings toward my mother and acknowledge that she did have positive feelings toward me. It allowed me to make peace with her and say good-bye to her before she died. And it contributed to my ability to grieve and cope with her death.

Maintaining the Integration Over the Years

It has not been an easy twelve years facing "life on life's terms" as they say in AA. I have discovered that integration is an ongoing process. I still sometimes gain new awareness of the impact of my trauma background. Recently I had diabetic nerve pain in my toes. It was an uncomfortable burning feeling. Just for a moment, I thought, "maybe it's punishment." Then I thought, "There it is -- your trauma history." Then I moved on to the rest of my day. I have learned I don't have to hold on to those fleeting thoughts.

Maintaining long-term integration takes work just as maintaining long-term sobriety takes work. I try to stay on top of my feelings and not push any of them aside. Hidden feelings are the fodder for dissociation. I do this primarily by talking with friends. Sometimes, I write in my journal or write poetry. I ask for help when I need it and have returned for therapy depending on the issues that have come up. I invest in my relationships and send birthday cards and thank you notes. I make certain my life doesn't get too busy. I schedule down time, ranging from all day in my nightgown to a weekend of spiritual retreat. This is important since I have discovered exhaustion or over stimulation leaves me vulnerable to intense feelings. I try to eat sensibly and exercise regularly. I see my medical doctor when I have symptoms that need evaluation. I still don't watch violent movies. I respect my past and try to live in the present.

CONCLUSION

Integration of all aspects of oneself is a natural part of recovery from trauma. Facing trauma-based defenses and choosing new non-trauma-based defenses is a way to take control of life and live in the present. It is a difficult therapeutic journey but worth the effort. The reward of a normal non-dissociative life with full self-acceptance is an immeasurable treasure.

Integration of the whole self is a statement of self-love. I had a part of me that was instrumental to my learning to accept my whole self. She said she was a shepherd and the personalities were the sheep. It was her job to bring everyone forward for help and healing. She was not afraid of any of the personalities. She knew them all and she loved them all. She wanted all to be integrated. She was respected by the personalities and guided many of the practice integrations. After her job was done she had no investment in staying separate. The spirit of acceptance she represented still lives inside me as I accept and love all aspects of myself on an ongoing basis.

If you are a DID survivor, I hope more knowledge and understanding about integration will enable you to see integration as a natural part of healing. If you are a therapist, I hope I have helped you realize how important you are to the integration process. Clients need neutral and objective information about integration to be provided throughout therapy. DID survivors need support for the feelings about accepting dissociated aspects of themselves. Pacing and timing the integration work is critical to successful outcome.

I realize more than ever that the best way to honor the personalities is to incorporate them into the whole self. It is not a matter of parts dying on the behalf of the host personality. Integration benefits all personalities/the whole person. There is no death of personalities. All the previously separated ones now exist as thoughts, feelings, and memories inside me. Integration is a choice to move past trauma-based coping and thinking. We honor the past when we put it in its proper place and live fully in the present.

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Written 2003. Reviewed: 04/2006