by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D.

When Dad left (for Vietnam) I was not told too much why he had to leave and what he was going to be doing . . . I cried terribly when he left, and emptiness and fear flooded my body and mind.

My father came home with a hearing impairment . . . His resentment today toward his deafness is still eating him up inside, because it has gradually gotten worse over the years.

He had changed a great deal when he got home. His nightmares and diving in the bushes from his fear from the war were a few things I heard and saw. His drinking got a lot worse, and so did his anger. Violence entered our house for the first time roughly a year later from his return from 'Nam. He physically abused me and the rest of the family. Verbal abuse almost all the time. I never, never knew what to expect . . . Him being so unpredictable aroused a tremendous amount of paranoia in my daily living.

It seemed like he had his own war he was fighting inside himself, and with the effect of alcohol he couldn't control his unbelievable rage that would explode in front of anybody.

My resentment toward my mother grew also. I felt she didn't care for us kids or else she would protect us from this insane man. It was terrible, horrid fear in her eyes and face when Dad would lash out and attack us as if we were the enemy.

A lot of bitterness, hatred, anger, resentment, and absolutely no pity for him was all I felt for quite a few years. I felt I was trapped in a vicious circle of fear with no way out and no one around to understand me and talk with. I became an extremist for destruction and hate and blame toward myself. I held myself responsible for my father's behavior, because I felt I was unacceptable and hated in his eyes.

For over 10 years it never dawned on me my father's behavior might be caused by what he went through in Vietnam.

I was ashamed of myself and felt extremely guilty for all the years of condemning my father to hell when he was already in a living hell of guilt, remorse, and hatred toward himself.

I can assure you I have been deeply affected directly from the war in Vietnam. I couldn't be excused from it because it came home with Dad and lived in our house for a good portion of my life.

Today, though, I am trying to learn and understand the destruction the war placed on our combat vets and Vietnam era vets. It tears me up inside to see their unmistakable misery within. I have seen it with my own eyes with my Dad.

I will never forget the craziness and insane behavior from both myself and my father in the past. But my awareness and acceptance is the biggest asset I have today. I am working on all those feelings I have suppressed for several years and to me, this is the best thing I can do for myself. To keep trying and keep loving him for who he is and where he's been, and to understand it was not me who should be responsible any longer for his behavior.

--Kid of a vet

When Adolescents Express Anger

Adolescence is a time in life when children try to establish an identity of their own -- apart from their parent's expectations of them. This process of separation and personal growth is called individuation. The tendency of adolescents to rebel against parental and other authority figures is, to some extent, a part of their effort to find out who they are.

In homes where the father suffers from PTSD, normal adolescent tendencies towards separation and rebellion can combine with the children's need to distance themselves from the veteran's agony or anger. Problems arise when the children's need for distance or self-assertion takes the form of rejection or disregard for the veteran.

Quite to the contrary, the hurting veteran is likely to perceive his child's negative attitude towards him as a form of "friendly fire."

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Reviewed: 04/2006