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Imagine how a combat vet feels when his 15-year-old son or 18-year-old daughter snickers at him or ignores him at the very moment he is feeling most vulnerable or out of control (such as when he is angry, numb, confused, or weeping due to a PTSD-related flashback, nightmare, depression, or anxiety attack)? From the veteran's point of view, his own children are now mistreating him in the very same way his country did upon his return -- with ridicule, rejection, and indifference.

Being spit upon by strangers is one thing, but being symbolically spit upon with sarcastic looks and words by one's own children is quite another. Such behavior on the part of adolescents can deepen the veteran's depression and sense of isolation -- as well as ignite his rage. The stage is then set for an ugly family fight where no one wins. The only casualties in this fight are the people who probably love and need each other the most -- the family members themselves.

More than one Vietnam wife's heart has been broken as she has seen her husband and teenage children snarl at each other and perhaps even come to blows. It is difficult for her to stand by and do nothing, no matter how adept she is at detachment. Yet when she attempts to intervene, she may be considered a "traitor" by all. Both her husband and children expect her to be on their side and their side only.

During such awful moments, the Vietnam wife has no one to turn to and no one to help her. She too, can feel helpless, powerless, and angry as the family life she has tried so hard to create is torn asunder. All her sacrifices and efforts seem to be being blown to bits, not by enemy fire, but by some kind of emotional time bomb planted within the hearts of her family members by a war fought in ride paddies long ago.

"It's so sad," comments Margaret, who has seen her husband and teenage children "go at it" dozens of times. "The children have felt unloved and criticized by their dad all their lives. When they were young, they accepted the way he treated them. No questions asked.

"Now that they're older, they know better. They know most dads don't spend most of their time in the basement and they're angry that other kids have dads who go to school events and take them places and their dad doesn't -- or can't.

"When they were little, they were too afraid to tell their dad how angry they were. But no more. Last night my daughter said she'd get pregnant with a Vietnamese boy if my husband yelled at her one more time. Then my 18-year-old son said he'd forget about college and join the Marines so he could go crazy... just like dad.

"I try and get my husband and kids to talk it out peacefully, but they're all too raw too talk. One of them always says the wrong thing and that starts the civil war all over again.

"All any of them want is love. All my husband wants is to think his kids care about him. All they want from him is to hear him say, `I love you. I wish I didn't have these problems from Vietnam, but I'm going to love you anyway -- best I can.'

"And if my kids could just say, `Dad, we love you. We missed you all those times you were in the basement. We thought you didn't like us and when we needed you we were scared to ask you for help. We might be growing up, but we still need a dad. Please come be with us, my husband would probably start crying like a baby.

"But talking like that is impossible in my family. My husband is too angry and too proud. And now the kids are just like him -- angry and proud. So all they do is fight and pop one smart remark after the next.

"When I try to intervene, they tell me it's none of my business. But how can it not be my business: they're my family."

Secondary Traumatization

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Reviewed: 04/2006