cont. from

Yet this veteran was able to see that by not being so demanding of his son's attention, and by not creating friction over minor matters, that Ben talked with him more and showed him more respect. The ultimate compliment came when, after a week of watching what he said, Ben's father heard Ben say, "Gee, Dad, you haven't bugged me for a whole week. That makes me feel real good. Like I have a real Dad."

On a day-to-day basis, however, it was usually difficult for Ben's father not to be jealous when his son rushed through dinner and then left to be with his friends. The pain of realizing that his son was growing up, and in small but real ways, progressively leaving him, filled him with anger and despair.

"What my son is doing is all so normal," he told his therapist. "Why can't I adjust?"

"Turn the situation around and look at the positive. Isn't your son's growth beautiful? Didn't you play a part in producing such a mentally and physically healthy child? Would you really want your son to have no friends and be glued to you all the time? What if all your son did was hang around with you? Then you really would have a problem."

There were still times when Ben's father had trouble accepting that his son was growing up. But with help, he was able to accept feelings of loss as part of living and to relate to his son in a more constructive manner.

Jim presents another case of secondary traumatization. Like Ben, Jim listened to his father's war stories but, more importantly, was present while his father grieved and expressed great remorse for having been involved in the killing of women and children. Some of these women and children were warriors in disguise; some were innocents. Jim took on his father's guilt, as well as his sorrow, and at age 15 began drinking heavily. While there were various reasons for his drinking problem, the internalization of his father's anguish and guilt was a major cause.

Jim was hospitalized several times for alcoholism. After each hospitalization he attended AA meetings and other recovery groups. However, all his dedication to recovery did not seem to help him sustain sobriety.

Jim achieved sobriety only after the age of 25, when he met and married an impoverished Vietnamese refugee woman who had been brutalized during the war. He not only adopted her children, but her three siblings, one of whom had lost both legs during the war.

"I've never been happier," says Jim. "And alcohol no longer calls my name. There are four people who need me now. I can't afford to drink."

Advanced training in psychology is not needed to see that in caring for the traumatized Vietnamese refugees, Jim not only found a purpose for staying sober, but a means of making restitution for the actions over which his father carried such tremendous guilt, grief, and shame.

When The Veteran Overprotects And Overvalues His Children

While withdrawal from both wife and children is the most common pattern, there are instances where a veteran is able to maintain closeness with one or more of his children, but not his wife. Even if a veteran is not particularly emotionally close to his children, however, he may still be extremely protective of them, triple checking their seat belts, carefully screening their friends and activities, or in general restricting their mobility.

In addition to overprotection of children, overvaluation of children may occur. Overvaluing a child does not mean loving a child too much, for there are no real bounds to parental love. Rather overvaluing a child means that the child becomes the parent's major, if only, reason for living or that the child functions as a symbol or as a form of restitution for what the parent has lost. This results in tremendous pressure on the child to fulfill the parent's need for a purpose in life or to achieve goals which the parent was unable to fulfill due to the war.

For example, a vet who lost his arm in Vietnam deeply desired that his son become a musician, which had been his career choice prior to his war injury. He gave his son music lessons, took him to concerts, and in many other ways encouraged his son to develop his musical talents. Upon reaching adolescence, however, the son abandoned his interest in music. Initially the veteran argued with him. Yet he eventually realized that he could not force his son into a musical career. As a result, the vet had to once again suffer his grief about his lost arm and musical career, a sorrow which the hope that his son would be a musician had eased substantially for many years.

Issues surrounding grief become more prominent as the veteran approaches midlife and wants to leave a legacy to the next generation. If his children, whom he values so much, turn out different than he hoped, or, for some reason, fail to idealize him as a parent, the veteran's resulting despair may be great.

For Vietnam veterans, a child's birth may symbolize the rebirth of a dead buddy or of a dead Vietnamese girlfriend. Even if the child does not have a symbolic identity for the veteran, the child may provide the veteran with his only real reason for living. Harry, for example, for all his ambivalence toward his children, has frequently stated (both in group and in front of his family) that if it weren't for his children, he would have killed himself long ago. With his professional skills and ambitions at a standstill due to PTSD, and with his marriage now devoid of love and passion, without his children there "would be no point in living."

Even after Harry's suicidal periods became less frequent and less intense, his children showed considerable concern for him and felt it was their role to help take care of him. When Nelda would mention wanting to leave Harry, the children would protest. "You can't do that. Daddy will kill himself," they said.

Today, however, some five years after Harry's last serious suicidal depression, Harry, Jr. seems relatively free of excess concern about his father. Joleen, however, still worries about him and sometimes restricts her activities so that she can stay home and protect her father from himself. Even though she has been repeatedly told by her therapist, her mother, and Harry himself that he is no longer actively suicidal and that she is not responsible for his well-being, the old notion that she must protect her father still exists in her mind.

from Vietnam Wives: Facing the Challenges of Life with Veterans Suffering Post-Traumatic Stress by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D. Copyright 1996 by The Sidran Press.

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Reviewed: 04/2006